TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×01: Horizons (October 22, 2016)

(1) INT. DIRK’S CAR
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****

[Dirk is driving on surface streets like he’s in Mario Kart, swerving around anyone going slower than ten miles over the speed limit. Todd, holding on for dear life, is trying to play it cool]
Todd: You’re a detective who doesn’t find clues. That sounds, you know, insane.
Dirk: I see the solution to each problem as being detectable in the pattern and web of the whole. The connections between causes and effects are often much more subtle and complex than we, with our rough and ready understanding of the physical world might naturally suppose. (yelling) MAN!
[Indeed, there is a man in the road, who yelps as Dirk swerves around him. The man is Gordon Rimmer]
Todd: Jesus Christ!
Dirk: Sorry.


(2) EXT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE

[Todd is carrying Rapunzel the Corgi on the street of a run down suburban neighborhood. He approaches a house, walks up to the door and knocks. Gordon Rimmer answers the door. This is the man Dirk swerved around earlier, nearly killing him. Todd recognizes him instantly.]
Todd: I, uh… Your dog, I-I brought… The address was on the tag.
Gordon: Come here… Thanks.
[Gordon takes the dog from Todd. As this happens, Todd is briefly able to see into the house and sees LYDIA SPRING. But before Todd can react, Gordon shuts the door in his face. Todd stands silently outside the house, in shock]

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×02: Lost & Found (October 29, 2016)

(1) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE / INT. FARAH’S CAR
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****

[TWO DAYS AGO]
Lydia: Farah, I need help, please.
Farah: Where are you?
[Gordon Rimmer has a gun pointed at Lydia Spring’s head]
Lydia: I’m at the Ridgely Building in Springsborough–
Farah: What are you doing there?
Lydia: I’m sorry. I snuck out. I’m in trouble. Please hurry.
Farah: Okay, I’m on my way. Lydia, what kind of trouble are you in?
Lydia: Farah, don’t it’s a–
Farah: Lydia! Lydia!


(2) EXT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****

[Gordon Rimmer drives into his garage. Dirk and Todd watch him from behind a bush across the road from his house. Gordon stands at the front of his garage, looks around, then goes back inside]
Todd: Goddammit! [ducks behind the bush where Dirk is already hiding]
Dirk: That’s the man? The… guy?
Todd: That’s him, yeah.
Dirk: Well, he doesn’t look so tough.
Todd: I’ve got a good feeling about this.
Dirk: About what?
Todd: Shouldn’t we call the police? I mean–
Dirk: Here, quick, give me the lottery ticket.
[Dirk takes the lottery ticket out of Todd’s hand and runs across the road and into Gordon Rimmer’s garage]
Todd: Hey! What the– Hey! Hey!
[Todd chases after him and ducks under the garage door before it closes]


(3) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S GARAGE
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

Todd: You psychopath! You total asshole. I can’t believe you did this to me! I can’t even believe you did this to yourself!
Dirk: Looks like our suspect’s undergone a profound change in attitude. “Gordon Rimmer”. Interesting. And look at all this stuff. This guy really likes Lux DuJour. You ever listen to any of his music? A bit loud for me.
Todd: Where’s the clicker? Look, Lux DuJour sucks, and I’m getting out of here now.
Dirk: Can’t open the garage door. Too loud. Besides, we have to investigate the house. Wasn’t there– Didn’t Lux DuJour disappear? I vaguely recall it being a big story at the time. Maybe he’s in there!
Todd: I am not investigating anything!
Dirk: Then how will you get your lottery ticket?
[Dirk screws up the lottery ticket, opens the door, throws it in, closes the door]
Todd: Are you insane?
Dirk: Shh.


(4) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE

Gordon: Would you let me finish? [throws dog toy] Go sit over there! God!
[phone rings]
Gordon: Hello?
[Dirk and Todd peer their heads through the door that leads from the garage into the house]
Gordon: Hang on. Hang on! [he turns down the music playing on the stereo] Well, we find them too.
[Todd spots the crumbled up lottery ticket sitting on the carpet]
Gordon: It’s the two guys from the hotel. They’re obviously in on it. The giraffe and the gorilla. You’d be upset too if a giraffe tried to kill you!
[Todd sneaks into the house. Dirk follows him]
Todd: Get back!
Gordon: She’s right here with me now.
[Todd starts crawling towards the lottery ticket]
Gordon: Uh-huh. Yeah… Yeah. Well, where is he? What? I don’t– I don’t care…
[Todd grabs the lottery ticket. Looks up. Lydia licks his face]
Gordon: … where she is, ’cause that’s not my problem.
[Dirk starts silently jumping up and down in excitement that Lydia is a dog]
Gordon: Okay? And then what about– What about Red …
[Todd pushes Dirk into the bathroom and closed the door]
Gordon: … way out in the middle of nowhere? What about him? There’s probably one of them still out there, and if that’s the case, then that’s not good for any of us. Uh-huh. Yeah, well, no. And– and we have to go to the animal transfer unit. There was a goddamn shootout. Bodies everywhere! We’ve got to clean it up!
[Dirk & Todd inside the bathroom are up against the door listening to Gordon on the phone]
Dirk: Did he say “bodies”?
[Todd grabs Dirk. They get into the showe/bathtub and close the curtain]
Gordon: …very simple thing. That should have been very super easy…
Dirk: This is really bad, Todd! I would never have done this alone! But you were right! That’s Lydia Spring! This is a huge breakthrough! But it’s possible we’re going to die. God, I am so sorry. Oh, damn, we’re really living on the edge here, man.
Gordon: I don’t care that Rainey is dead! Rainey is not the Supreme Soul! I am the Supreme Soul! I am running things! Yes! …And I’ll tell you another thing.
[Todd open the bathroom door and takes a peek]
Gordon: Someone– Someone is watching us. I can feel it. Oh, yeah, we’re going to do something about it. We’re going to take back control. We’re going to take back control, and we are going to purify the situation.
Todd: He has a gun!
Dirk: What?


(5) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE

[Dirk & Todd still hiding in Gordon’s bathroom]
Dirk: There must be a way to get Lydia out of here, and then we can–
Todd: Will you shut up for a minute, please?
[Todd is peering his head out. Gordon is texting on his phone. Gordon hears a squeak and lifts his head and looks. Todd goes back into the shower/bathtub and closes the curtains]
Dirk: (startled) Oh, it’s just you, and you were already here. I don’t know why I was startled, actually.
[Lydia with a dog toy in her mouth crawls down hallway headed for the bathroom]
Dirk: This is all my fault. Look, I– I have to tell you, okay? I’m sorry about what I did before. With the lottery ticket. I think it was, in sight of hind, fairly messed up.
Gordon: No. It’s going to be a beautiful thing, you’ll see.
[Lydia is in the bathroom whimpering]
Dirk: (to Lydia) Shh!
Gordon: No, it’s going to be beautiful. All right? This is just a speed bump. Oh, it’s a big speed bump. Yeah, thanks, Tips. I know that, but you know what else? Technically, we’re winning! Uh-huh! Well, we kill them, of course. It’s what we do.
[Dirk throws the dog toy out into the living room. It knocks over a candle which sets fire to some papers]
Gordon: …Both, yes, both. Why one? That doesn’t make sense.
[Lydia starts barking]
Dirk: Shh! Go away!!
[Lydia still barking]
Gordon: Rapunzel, what the hell are you doing in there?
[Todd’s cell phone rings]
Gordon: What the hell was that?
Dirk: You didn’t silence your phone?
[Todd escapes out of the bathroom window. Gordon enters the bathroom]
Gordon: You!
Dirk: Me! It is. Wait, do I know you? [he spots the gun in Gordon’s hand] Shit! [He throws a bunch of business cards at Gordon and shuts the bathroom door and ducks. Gordon fires his gun through the door. Todd who is outside, hears the gunshots and runs]
Gordon: Rapunzel, what the– [screams when he sees the fire inside his house]


(6) EXT. RIDGELY BUILDING
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Ed, Zed, and Fred exit the building, walking rapidly, Zed carrying an unconscious Farah over his shoulders. Ed is on his phone]
Ed: We are on our way now.
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle stand on Dorian’s porch next door watching them]
Nathan: So when the cops said “anything suspicious…”
Weedle: Right.
[Ed, Zed, and Fred put Farrah’s limp body up into the back of the truck]
Nathan: Now, we follow up on this, that doesn’t make us their bitch, right?
Weedle: I don’t think so.
Nathan: ‘Cause that… that seems suspicious.
Weedle: We could just call them.
Nathan: And say what?
Weedle: Yeah, we’re not their bitch.
[Ed, Zed, and Fred drive off in the truck]
Nathan: Right? Let’s roll.


(7) EXT. ALLEYWAY
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

Dirk: Got the dog.
Todd: What? Why?
Dirk: The dog is important. Lots of animals in this case, it seems. The dog, the shark, the kitten–
Todd: What– What kitten? Wait, no. Screw that. Never mind. How did you even hear about the shark?
Dirk: Mm? What are you talking about?
Todd: Hours ago, in the bushes, before we were trapped in that guy’s house, you said Patrick Spring was killed by a shark.
Dirk: You’ve got a great memory.
Todd: How do you even know about the shark? The hotel room?
Dirk: I didn’t know about that.
Todd: No, never mind. Never mind. I-I-I did my duty. – I helped you steal a dog?
Dirk: Ish. You did your duty-ish! You didn’t even do a full half of a duty, you lazy man, Todd!
Todd: You tricked me into breaking into a house with you.
Dirk: You could’ve waited outside.
Todd: Someone shot at us!
Dirk: Hey, he only shot at me. And the house was even more mysterious, and we learned about that rock star, Lux DuJour.
Todd: When did we learn about that?
Dirk: And this man, Gordon Rimmer, it’s all very suspicious. He called the human Lydia “Rapunzel,” ergo, vis a vis, I forward a theory! (to Rapunzel) Are you Lydia Spring? [dog barks] You are?
Todd: I want to go home, but I know you’ll just be there now, so it’s like–
Dirk: What we’re dealing with here appears to be a criminal, or perhaps a group, that specializes in hypnotizing humans into believing they’re specific dogs, and hypnotizing dogs into believing they’re specific humans.
Todd: I just want to go cash in my lottery ticket, call my sister back, and–
Dirk: Todd, focus. What could Patrick Spring have done to anger an evil enclave of uncommonly specific dog hypnotists?
Todd: They’re not dog hypnotists!
Dirk: Ah! You’re about to forward a theory! Excellent! I’m listening!
Todd: She clearly wanted to be there. She wasn’t hypnotized, she wasn’t tied up, there weren’t bars on the windows, and she seemed happy–
Dirk: Yes, like a happy dog.
Todd: Just call the police. At this point, I can’t explain why I was there, and I’m already in deep crap with them, so just– just call them. Do it. Okay? I’m done, so you handle it now.
Dirk: You’re still wearing the shower curtain! Hey, you think I like this?
Todd: Isn’t this your job? You’re a detective. Don’t you–
Dirk: Because I’m trying to do the right thing, don’t you understand? It’s always… all these horrible things, and I get dragged right up next to them.
Todd: Couldn’t you just– I mean, you could just walk away, take whatever Spring paid you and–
Dirk: No. It’s… The world will lead me where I need to go. I’m a… a leaf in the stream of creation, right up until I find whoever or whatever killed Patrick Spring. And then it will just… take me somewhere new.
Todd: Then what’s with all your crap about taking control of your life?
Dirk: Well just because you know you’re playing a game doesn’t mean you don’t choose your moves. The cases I end up on– if I don’t solve them, no one does. [Dirk’s cell phone – text message alert tone] Oh dear. [reading text message] “We have your friend,” and then a picture of a woman.
Todd: Who’s it from?
Dirk: The man, I assume, the bad man.
Todd: How did he get your number?
Dirk: I gave him my cards.
Todd: You gave him your card?
Dirk: No, my cards, all of them. Self-defense. I do a lot of things, and then later I’m like– You don’t happen to know this woman, do you?
Farah: Open this door.
Dirk: [reading text message] “Give us the dog or we will kill her. Eastgate Bridge. Midnight.” Ha! See? I told you the dog was important!


(8) EXT. EASTGATE BRIDGE

Todd: This is bad. This isn’t going to work. This is a bad idea.
Dirk: Nonsense. This is the perfect opportunity to get some answers.
Todd: The man shot at us. What if he just pulls a gun?
Dirk: Aha, that’s why I brought… this.
Todd: What’s that supposed to do?
Dirk: Well, you know what they say about bringing a knife to a gun fight…
Todd: That it’s…bad?
Dirk: Oh, bloody hell, is that what that means?
[car horn honks]
Dirk: That’s him. The man.
Todd: What do we do?
Dirk: Well, I think… [Dirk exits the car]
Todd: Aw…

[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle sitting inside their FBI car. Weedle hands Natham the binoculars; they’re looking up, onto the bridge]
Weedle: Check this out.
Nathan: All right. What have we got? Holy shit. That’s the guy. That’s… that’s Todd Brotzman.
Weedle: And Dirk Gently. Full house.
Nathan: Missing Persons was actually onto something. We bring them in as soon as whatever this is is done.
Weedle: Got it.

Dirk: Is that the woman?
Todd: I don’t know her.
Dirk: Right, but that is a woman.
Todd: What are you even talking about?
Gordon: (to Farah) Get on your knees. (to Dirk & Todd) Give me the dog, or I’ll kill her!
Dirk: Give us the her or we’ll throw the dog off the bridge!
Todd: (whispers) What?
Dirk: (whispers) I’m bluffing, (beat) but if he shoots her, throw the dog off the bridge.
[The dog barks in protest]
Gordon: Why did you attack us?
Dirk: We didn’t! How do you know who we are?
Gordon: We don’t. Where’s the kitten?
Dirk: What kitten? Who’s that woman?
Gordon: You don’t know her?
Dirk: Do you?
Gordon: Why did you burn my house down?
Dirk: (shocked) I burnt your HOUSE DOWN!?
Todd: Where’s Lydia?
Gordon: She’s not here. Bring me the dog.
Dirk: Why do you want it?
Gordon: Why did you take it?
Todd: We don’t know!
Gordon: Why did you kill Patrick Spring?
Todd: We didn’t.
Dirk: Did you?
Gordon: Just…just bring me the dog!

[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle listen on a remote listening device, confused]
Nathan: What the hell are they talking about?
Weedle: Dogs? Cats? I don’t know.
Nathan: These are the stupidest goddamn people alive.

[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
Todd: (whispers) What do we do?
Dirk: (whispers) I… I don’t know.
Gordon: I’ll kill her! I swear!
[Todd stares at the figure in the welding mask, hunched over on her knees. He sighs, looking at Dirk, and then sucks up his courage, and begins to walk towards Gordon]
Dirk: Todd… Todd, wait! Maybe…
[Todd ignores him. The walk feels long, intense. We can see from FARAH’S BLURRY POV in the welder’s mask as she watches Todd approach. He finally reaches Gordon]
Todd: Let the woman go.
Gordon: No, no, no, no, no. She stays with us.
Todd: That wasn’t the deal.
Gordon: There’s no deal.
Dirk: Shit! He’s right!
Gordon: Bring me the dog!
[Todd swings the dog out over the side of the bridge]
Gordon: What are you doing? What are you doing? No!
Todd: Let the woman go or I drop it. Just let her go now!
Gordon: You are poking the bear, my friend! We will burn the soul out of your body for what you’ve done to us.
Todd: What are you even talking about? What did we do to you?
Gordon: Don’t drop my dog!
Todd: Let her go now or I drop it, I swear to God. Let her go!
Gordon: No, no, no, no, no.
Lydia: No! Help me!
[Todd turns in total confusion to see that the faint outline of Lydia Spring’s face over the face of Rapunzel the dog]
Todd: (screams and drops Rapunzel)
Gordon: (screaming) No!

[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
Nathan: Holy shit! This is going down.
Weedle: I’m coming!
[Weedle and Nathan jump out of their car, drawing their guns]

[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
[Farah stands up and head butts Rimmer in the chin, knocking the glasses off his face. She takes off running down the bridge! Dirk sees Fred rising from the back of the truck, raising a crossbow-
Dirk: Todd! Men!
[Todd sees Fred and ducks down]

[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[Nathan shoots Fred twice. Zed shoots Nathan with the crossbow, killing him instantly]
Weedle: No! Nathan! (beat) Put that down–
[Zed smashes Weedle into the car, knocking him out]

[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
[Farah rushes past Dirk and shoulder blocks him out of the way like a linebacker. Dirk and Todd run after her]
Dirk: Todd, what happened?
Todd: I saw a human face on the dog!
[runs headfirst into the side of the bridge, knocking herself out cold]
[Gordon gets up off the ground, putting his glasses back on]
Gordon: (screaming) Rapunzel!
[Dirk and Todd roughly shove Farah into the back seat of the car. Dirk slams on the gas, going straight towards Gordon who dives out of the way. The car streaks off into the night]


(9) EXT. EASTGATE BRIDGE

Gordon: Ahhh, prickle bush goddamnit.
Fred: Did you find the dog?
Gordon: No. And what the hell happened? Who shot Fred?
Zed: There were two men hiding under the bridge. One we released from his body, the other still lives.
Gordon: They threw the goddamn dog off the bridge. Did you see it come out of the water?
Zed: No. Very busy.
Gordon: It’s in control. Everything’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Wait a second, there’s two guys. You said you got two guys. Who were those two guys?
Zed: I don’t know. They had these. [he hands badges to Gordon]
Gordon: What the hell is this? What the… FBI? You gotta be goddamn kidding me. And this one’s still alive?
Zed: He is.
Gordon: (to Fred) How would you like to be a secret agent? All right. All right. All right. Let’s go.

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×03: Rogue Wall Enthusiasts (November 5, 2016)

(1a) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE — 15 YEARS AGO
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****

[Gordon Rimmer’s house is clean and tidy. Lux Dujour, rockstar, sex god, enters, passing two Drones on his way in]
Lux DuJour: Ah, hello, brothers. I like the new jumpsuits. Very fascist. I dig that.
[Lux DuJour removes his sunglasses and sees Gordon Rimmer kneeling on the floor, wearing a welder’s mask. His wife is dead, shot by an arrow]
Lux DuJour: What happened here, Rainey? Looks like a homicide.
[Jake Rainey steps into view]
Rainey: Call me by the name of my first shell, Pollux. Is that meant to give you power over me?
Lux DuJour: I was given an order to come down to this shit hole at 2:00 A.M. I’m one of the original souls, and you do not tell me what to do like I’m some kind of drone we found on the street.
Rainey: Are we not all equals? Simply energy
Lux DuJour: That’s big words from a guy who calls himself ‘The Supreme Soul,’ hmm? At least as Lux DuJour, I try to do something. I try to create something. How many bodies have you been in in the last 10 years, huh, Rainey, 50? Hmm? What am I doing here? What’s this all about? Who are these people?
Rainey: Your energy is being redesignated. We found a new location for our temple. [She lifts the welders mask from Gordon Rimmer’s face, revealing him younger, more clean cut, tape over his mouth, clearly terrified] This body is the key. Say hello to your new vessel, Gordon Rimmer.
Lux DuJour: Redesignated? You can’t do that.
Rainey: It’s what’s best for our cause.
Lux DuJour: “Cause…” Right. You know, it’s been decades, and if you really cared about our great cause, you would have found Edgar Spring’s other machine years ago.
[Rainey twists Gordon Rimmer’s ear. He winces in pain]
Rainey: You’ve become addicted to this body, to this life.
Lux DuJour: You can’t do this to me. You can’t swap me out against my will into some fat piece of shit! I’m a rock star! [two drones appear on either side of him and start dragging him away] Supreme Soul, please, I’m making a new album. You can’t do this to me! I’m a rock star! I’m a rock star! I’m a rock star… I’m a rock star…


(1b) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE — 3 DAYS AGO

Lydia Spring: I have mace.
Gordon: Holy shit. You’re Lydia Spring.
Lydia Spring: Are you the one that wrote this letter?
Gordon: I am.
Lydia Spring: Do you really have answers?
Gordon: I do.
Lydia Spring: Who is Zackariah Webb, and what was his connection to my family? What happened to my grandfather? (furious) Who killed my mother?
Gordon: Zackariah Webb, I don’t know, but I do know what happened to your mother, and I know why your father is so afraid.
Lydia Spring: Unbelievable.
Gordon: Why don’t you… come inside? It’s cold. Do you like Lux DuJour?
Lydia Spring: Who the hell is Lux DuJour?
Gordon: Ouch.
[Lydia walks past Gordon and into his home]


(2) EXT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****
Gordon’s burnt down house. Farrah, Dirk & Todd.

[The house is burnt to the ground. There’s absolutely nothing left. Firefighters and police have cordoned off the area and are picking through the rubble. Farrah is standing on the opposite side of the street. Todd is hiding behind the bush]
Farah: Why are you hiding behind that bush?
Todd: Because we’re the ones who burned the house down.
Farah: Yeah, but they don’t know that.
Todd: (he awkwardly rises from behind bush) My clothes look good on you.
Farah: Ok. Thanks. Listen, um… I haven’t had the chance to… You know… at the bridge? With the dog? You… That was brave of you. I guess you… saved me. So…
Todd: Cool.
Farah: So why did you burn down this house again?
Todd: Well, um…
Farah: You said the guys who kidnapped me thought you killed Patrick Spring?
Dirk: (he appears as if from nowhere) Correct. Absolutely no one has any idea what’s going on. I spoke to the police at the scene.
Todd: What did they say?
Dirk: “Go away.”
Farah: Well, you’re a detective. You’ve been gathering information. What have you found so far?
Dirk: Well… I gave the bad guys my phone number.
Farah: You… gave them your phone number?
Dirk: In self-defense–
Farah: Give me your phone now.
Todd: What, what are you doing?
[Farah starts dialling Gordon Rimmer on Dirk’s phone]
Todd: No, no, no. that’s a bad idea.


(3) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S CAR

[Gordon Rimmer is sitting in his car, eating drive-through fries. He seems worn down and frustrated. His cell phone rings]
Gordon: C’mon, Oh… okay [he answers phone] Hello.
Farah: Where is Lydia Spring?
Gordon: Do you have the other machine?
Farah: What other machine?
Gordon: That’s the wrong answer.
Farah: Where is Lydia!
Gordon: Lydia’s gone.
Farah: What do we need to do to get her back?
Gordon: We’re gonna fine you, Miss Black.
Farah: You do not want to find me.
Gordon: Your boss has something that we need, and before he died, he was gonna hand it over like a good little idiot, but now it’s on you!
Farah: This is your last chance. Surrender Lydia Spring.
Gordon: (chuckles) I’ll see you real soon.
[He hangs up the phone and drops it on the passenger seat]
Farah: [line goes dead] She starts muttering to herself.


(4) ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT
[MOM dead on floor. Gordon walks in]
Gordon: Just here right now. I’ll get it going, and then I’ll… Doesn’t look like anyone else has been here since we were here.
[Gordon’s car is idling outside of the animal transfer unit. He exits the building.
Gordon: There’s a ton of bodies to clean up, but everything still works. Bring him here. And bring a mouse.
[Gordon hangs up the call as he walks towards his car. Lydia is in the back seat. He opens driver side door and sits down inside the car]
Radio: …Cooler temperatures arrive after that, 47 for a high on Tuesday. And now for the news. A surprising update on the body discovered at the scene of the arson in Logan Heights this morning. We now have information that the body has been identified – as that of Robert Wayne Terrio–
Gordon: (to Lydia) Shut up.
Radio: –better known to the public as beloved 1980s rock icon Lux DuJour, who went missing nearly two decades ago. How DuJour came to be buried under the garage – of a single-bedroom house–
Gordon: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! No! No! No! No! No! No! Oh, my God…
[Lydia whimpering]
Gordon: It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, I’m sorry… Sorry… [Lydia licks his hand]

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×04: Watkin (November 12, 2016)

(1) INT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT

Weedle: My name is Joseph Weedle. I’m an FBI agent. You can’t do this to me!
Gordon: Rapunzel, get the hell off of him! Dammit! All right. Oh, stop whining, you were done with that body anyways. Put him in the machine!
Weedle: What are you doing? You can’t do this to me!
Gordon: Here, come on, let’s go, we’re behind the clock here. Go. Go! God… Idiots. In perpetuum.
MoM: In perpetuum.
Gordon: Ah… Yeah, clear here.
MoM: Brother.
Weedle: Brothers.
Gordon: See, I told you it would all work out.
Weedle: What about the obsolete soul?
Gordon: Oh, yeah. Hmm. Oh, well. Oh, good girl, good girl. Goodbye, Agent Weedle. Get it! Get!


(2) INT. BAR

Gordon: Hi.
Sammy: Hey. Gordon. Hey.
Gordon: Are you okay?
Sammy: Yeah. I’m fine. What’s this?
Gordon: A present.
Sammy: Aw, Gordon. I told you. Honey, you gotta– you gotta stop getting me things. It’s just not gonna change the way I feel.
Gordon: It’s the last one. Promise. This Lux stuff… You really cared about him, huh?
Sammy: When he disappeared, I think everyone just sort of… you know, was waiting. Just waiting for him to come back.
Gordon: This F.B.I. guy, your new boyfriend, where’s he–
Sammy: Gone. Probably back to his wife.
Gordon: What was his name again?
Sammy: Nathan.
[Gordon chuckles]
Sammy: What?
Gordon: Uh… Life is wild.
Sammy: I’ll drink to that.


(3) INT. BAR

[Gordon (in the bar from previous scene) on the phone to Weedle (sitting in car)]
Gordon: What about Brotzman and Gently?
Weedle: They weren’t home. Stuck it out, but the woman was there. Protecting the sister.
Gordon: This is spiraling out of control. This has been spiraling out of control! Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll be there soon.
Sammy: Something wrong?
Gordon: I just… I… I lost my dog. Nothing I can’t handle. Here, just open… Open your present.
Sammy: Gordon. What is this?
Gordon: It was made by an artisan in Tibet. Yak fur. Meant to symbolize the endless cycle of the universe.
Sammy: (confused) That’s Lux’s story. This is Lux’s coat.
Gordon: Do you want to know what happened to Lux? Where he went, what he did? You loved him. Come with me now. I can show you everything.


(4) INT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT

Sammy: Gordon, this place is weird.
Gordon: Come on. There you go. There’s Lux.
Sammy: This is all Lux’s stuff. Oh… What did you do to him?
Gordon: We found this thing, in the ’60s. It came to us from another dimension or something. And then- and then we figured out that we could swap bodies with it. We started with animals at first. It was a spiritual thing. But then we realized, we could kidnap rich people and swap bodies with them, and then, when they outlived their usefulness, we’d just kill them and swap back. Mostly, it was retired folks, but then we got ambitious. Athletes, and famous actors, and, uh… rock stars. We’ve been doing this for, uh… Christ, for 50 years.
Sammy: You’re crazy. You’re saying that Lux was one of these people.
Gordon: I jumped into him after the second album. I was the comeback. Wait… you never even met the real Lux. He was long gone by then. He was not even… I don’t know…
Sammy: I… I gotta leave.
Gordon: No, no, no. Not yet.
Sammy: What?
Gordon: I want you to meet some of my friends. You, Fred… No. No… You did good today. I’m not mad. I brought you here, I brought all of you here to show you that I am doing my part. I brought all of you here to show you that what they say about me isn’t true.
Sammy: This is crazy…
Gordon: See, Spring’s Machine is, uh… is within our grasp. Oh… Oh, yeah. Within our grasp. We know where they are, where they all are. The detective, the bodyguard, the bellboy, his sister… We will find that other machine. This is our destiny! That’s why I brought her here today… To show you… I’ve outgrown all these things. I don’t want the things that Lux wanted anymore. I am taking back control! Sammy… Do you remember when we were together on that yacht off the coast of Portugal? Do you remember? Sammy… Do you remember when you still loved me? Before I was all…this. Do you remember what I told you?
Sammy: (beat) “When I die, you die.”
Gordon: Yes.
Sammy: (in shock, whispered) Lux? What happened to you?
Gordon: I died.

Filed Under: Transcript - Dirk Gently Tagged With:

TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×05: Very Erectus (November 19, 2016)

(1) EXT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT
[Gordon is putting Lux Dujour memorabilia in a dumpster. Lydia-Rapunzel is in the background playing in leaves on the ground]
Gordon: Rapunzel, get over here!
[She rushes over to him and he stares at her]
Gordon: I’m sorry I did this to you. It was selfish.
[He raises his gun pointed at her. She whimpers]
Gordon: When I’m finished with this little bitch… Boom (he pantomimes shooting her).
[Lydia-Rapunzel barks]
Gordon: Get outta here. Get outta here now.
[She runs away and goes back to playing in the leaves on the ground]


(2) EXT. LAWYER’S OFFICE
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Farah is sitting in a car with a listening device, listening in on Zimmerfield & Estevez]
Estevez: He knows something.
Zimmerfield: Of course, he knows something, he’s Patrick Spring’s lawyer.
Estevez: Well, you’d think he’d want to tell us if it meant finding Lydia.
Zimmerfield: I’m not saying he knows where Lydia is, but he certainly knows who Patrick Spring’s enemies were.
Estevez: So, what now?
Zimmerfield: We follow up on Rimmer.


(3) EXT. SEATTLE ZOO
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Zimmerfield & Estevez are at the Zoo talking to one of Gordon’s colleagues]
Zoo Curator: Rimmer? Sure, I know him. He works here. That was Gordon Rimmer’s house that got burnt down?
Estevez: Yes, burned to the ground.
Zoo Curator: Yeah, I saw that on the news. Wait, so you think Gordon had something to do with that body that was found in his house? Was it really Lux DuJour?
Estevez: It’s part of an ongoing investigation.
Zoo Curator: I can’t believe he’s really dead.
Zimmerfield: You don’t seem very surprised that Gordon Rimmer might have been involved in a crime.
Zoo Curator: I think everybody saw that coming.
Zimmerfield: Why?
Zoo Curator: Well, the guy’s a prick.
Estevez: Did you work closely with him?
Zoo Curator: No, thank God. He used to be in charge of the old animal transfer unit, but it’s abandoned now.
Zimmerfield: What’s in it?
Zoo Curator: Nothing.
Zimmerfield: Nothing? Really?
Zoo Curator: Yeah.
Zimmerfield: You’re saying that there’s an abandoned building on zoo property that Gordon Rimmer had access to?
Zoo Curator: Yeah. It’s condemned. Supposed to get torn down.
Estevez: Well, do you think we can get a look at this building?
Zoo Curator: I don’t have keys.
Zimmerfield: Who has keys?
Zoo Curator: You’ll have to talk to the operations manager, it’s a property thing.
Estevez: Okay, well, thank you for your time.
Zoo Curator: No problem.


(4) INT. POLICE STATION
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Zimmerfield & Estevez talking to their boss, the Police Captain]
Police Captain: What does this have to do with the missing girl?
Zimmerfield: Well, we have reason to believe that she was last seen with Gordon Rimmer.
Police Captain: By the, uh, the bellhop.
Zimmerfield: Yeah, by the bellhop.
Estevez: Yes, by Todd Brotzman.
Zimmerfield: Todd Brotzman. Plus, we just spoke to the top zoo official about getting into the building where Rimmer worked.
Estevez: And they said the place, the “animal transfer unit,” is condemned.
Zimmerfield: Yeah, locked up.
Estevez: Nothing there.
Zimmerfield: Nothing there, so they say.
Police Captain: And you don’t believe them?
Zimmerfield: No, we don’t believe them, so please, why can’t we just go inside, take a look?
Police Captain: Doesn’t sound like you got enough for a warrant.
Zimmerfield: What? What is this, a joke? Gordon Rimmer was seen with Lydia Spring. The very next day, his house burns down, they find a body inside. His dog was visible on a tape from the Perryman Grand! His dog! And now we’re telling you that we have access to an abandoned building, where he used to work! And you’re telling us we can’t go inside?
Estevez: Plus, animal control never followed up on that missing shark.
Zimmerfield: Plus, animal control–
Police Captain: I don’t see it. I don’t think a judge will either. Move on.

Estevez: What was that? What the hell just happened to us? Am I losing my mind?
Zimmerfield: No, you’re not losing your mind. I don’t know. Maybe he’s covering for some Major Crimes shit-fit, I don’t know. We’re not wasting any more time.
Estevez: What are you thinking?


(5) EXT. POLICE STATION
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Farah is sitting in a car with a listening device, listening in on Zimmerfield & Estevez]
Estevez: Are we actually doing this?
Zimmerfield: Yeah, we’re actually gonna do this. You’re goddamn right. He was acting awfully funny. Something’s wrong, something’s very wrong. We’re gonna go there right now.
Estevez: But is it the right thing to do?
Zimmerfield: For Lydia.
Estevez: If she’s even still alive.
Zimmerfield: What kinda thing is that to say? What’s wrong with you? I’m trying to be positive here, stay positive.


(6) EXT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT

[Zimmerfield & Estevez drive up to the ‘Animal Transfer Unit’. There are two cars parked parked in what should be an empty lot]
Estevez: I thought this building was supposed to be locked up. Run the plates, right?
Zimmerfield: Let’s check it out first.
Estevez: Whoa, what if they’re in there?
Zimmerfield: If they’re in there, then they’re in there.

[Zimmerfield & Estevez enter the building. It’s dark, they are using flashlights]
Estevez: This place has got all kinds of code violations.
Zimmerfield: You think?
Estevez: You ever seen graffiti like this?
Zimmerfield: This is some new kind of crazy.
Estevez: What is this place, Zim?
Zimmerfield: Stay close. Keep quiet.
[Zimmerfield kicks open a door. There is a pile of dead MoM bodies]
Estevez: Oh, shit… Oh, that stinks.
Zimmerfield: Holy shit.
Estevez: Oh, my God.

[Zimmerfield & Estevez exit the building.
Zimmerfield: 35 bodies. Like, 35 bodies. I wanna see the captain stonewall this, this is headline news.
Estevez: Still no bars. It’s gotta be all that electrical stuff in there causing interference.
Zimmerfield: Well, go, radio, radio for some back-up. Radio for the entire forensic team. Goddamn it, call the whole National Guard! There is gonna be trouble.
[Farah is in the distance with a sniper rifle]
Zimmerfield: Yup… I can smell it.
Estevez: Zim, I just don’t think–
[Zimmerfield is struck by an arrow from MoM]
Estevez: Zim?
[Estevez rushes towards Zimmerfield as Zimmerfield falls to the groound]
Estevez: Zim, come on, buddy. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
[Estevez helps him to the car and places him on the ground behind the car. MoM starts firing at them. Estevez returns fire]

[Farah looks through the scope of her rifle and sees Gordon driving by in his car with Lydia-Rapunzel in the back seat]
Gordon: I told you to stay down!
[Lydia-Rapunzel is barking, looking out the window at Farah as they drive by]
Farah: Lydia?

[Estevez gets Zimmerfield into the back seat of the car. Just a Mom is about to shoot them, Farah shoots him dead. Estevez speeds off in the car]
Estevez: Zim, you with me? You need to get up. Come on. Come on! Come on! Hang in there, Zim! You hear me? Talk to me, buddy! Hospital’s only 10 minutes away. You hear me? Zim!
[Estevez pulls the car over]
Estevez: All right. All right, all right… No, no, no… We’re gonna get you some help. We’re gonna get you some help, okay?
Zimmerfield: S… Save…
Estevez: Don’t, Zim, please.
Zimmerfield: Save Lydia Spring.
Estevez: No…
[Zimmerfield dies]
Estevez: Oh, God… Shit, shit! No…
[Estevez bangs his fists on the steering wheel]


(7) INT. DIRK’S APARTMENT
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

Farah: Just so you’re aware, everything is under control. Everything is under, uh–
Amanda: Are you okay?
Farah: Listen, did you talk to your brother, or, um… uh, Dirk?
Amanda: No. What’s going on?
Farah: I just saw Lydia Spring.

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×06: Fix Everything (November 26, 2016)

(1) INT. POLICE STATION
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

Estevez: Say “I’m one of them.”
Police Captain: “Them?”
Estevez: Yes, them. The Patrick Spring “them.” Those bald freaks, “them.” The Coroner, the-the Gordon Rimmer, and whatever the hell else is locked up in that damn… Animal Transfer Unit, “them”! Them!
Police Captain: You’re suspended.
Estevez: Say it.
Police Captain: You’re fired.
Estevez: Say it.

Police Captain: (on phone) Rimmer, we have a problem.


(2) INT. THE RIDGELY BUILDING – STAIRS
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

Todd: And just putting this out there, this is just a theory at this point, but we think the dog has Lydia Spring in it.
Farah: What?
Todd: We think Rimmer swapped the soul of the dog and Lydia to use as insurance in case Patrick Spring tried to screw him in the hostage exchange for the machine.


(3) EXT. PARK BENCH
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Estevez is sitting on a park bench drinking out of a paper bag. Lydia-Rapunzel sits on the bench next to him]
Estevez: If you’re Lydia Spring, bark three times and turn in a circle.
[Lydia-Rapunzel barks threes times and turns in a circle]
Estevez: I’m going to need a minute.
[He gets up from the park bench and takes a few steps]
Estevez: Oh..
[He walks back to Lydia-Rapunzel]
Estevez: How did this happen? Huh? Did Gordon Rimmer do this?
[Lydia-Rapunzel barks]
Estevez: How did you get away?
[Lydia-Rapunzel is silent]
Estevez: Did someone take you?
[Lydia-Rapunzel barks]
Estevez: Was it Dirk Gently and Todd Brotzman?
[Lydia-Rapunzel barks]
Estevez: Let’s go talk to them.


(4) INT. THE RIDGELY BUILDING – TODD’S APARTMENT
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****

[Estevez walks into Todd’s apartment holding Lydia-Rapunzel]
Todd: Oh, my God.
Estevez: You recognize this dog? Huh?
Todd: Yes.
Estevez: This is the dog you stole from Gordon Rimmer, right before you burned down his house. Right?
Todd: That’s what happened, yes.


(5) EXT. WATERSIDE

Police Captain: This is lunacy. You must see that.
Gordon: Cops showed up at the temple, had to kill one of them. Should I be expecting more?
Police Captain: You lost your mind when you betrayed Rainey. The Supreme Soul had a plan for us, for all of us.
Gordon: Oh, really? Did he, now? “Find more bodies, make new drones, make more money.” There’s no ambition in that. He got what he had coming to him.
Police Captain: That’s heresy.
Gordon: This is what blows my mind about you, you talk about it like it’s real. Like it’s… like it’s spiritual. After all these years, how do you still believe in that?
Police Captain: The machine came to us from across time and space. You were there, you’re one of the original souls.
Gordon: Why is it, do you think, that Rainey didn’t let us build another altar? Had us holed up in some rotted-out mansion basement, had us in some decrepit zoo building? It’s so he could control it.
Police Captain: The altar is sacred–
Gordon: It’s electrical! The Soul Exchanger isn’t some holy relic, it’s a piece of technology. It always has been, it always will be.
Police Captain: You’re insane. Your drones are dropping like flies. Your insurgency is a failure, You have ruined everything. The detective whose partner you killed, he’s looking for you, and he’s not going to go away.
Gordon: I have the other machine! So that means you follow me now. So you are gonna go off and collect whoever you can, whoever hasn’t run away. My men are bringing in the relevant parties. I will have the machine tonight, and I will have it at the temple, and you will meet me there. I don’t give a shit whether you believe in me or not, but I am the Supreme Soul now.


(6) INT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT

[Dirk and Todd are kneeling on the ground. The machine sits between them. Ed and Zed are standing behind them. Doors in front of them swing open. Weddle walks through first followed by Gordon Rimmer]
Dirk: This guy again. This is it. He’ll explain everything. He’s gonna have the answers.
Gordon: I’ve been waiting for you two for a long time. (beat) What is going on? Who are you guys? Did Patrick Spring hire you? If not, then what are you? Are you detectives? No, because you’re a… You’re a bellhop! You were at the hotel! And you! You’re who? – What, the FBI? No?
Dirk: No.
Gordon: No? Then how does the FBI figure into this? Who shot Ned? How did you know that Farah Black was gonna be in that apartment? I mean, what kind of crazy coincidence is that? Where’s the kitten? Where’s my dog? Why did you burn down my house? Who has my dog right now? Is it the police? Do the police have my dog? Who beat up Ed and Zed? Was it your guys? Other guys? How many different sets of guys are in this situation? How does Patrick Spring be in two places at the same time?
Dirk: Aw….. nuts.
Todd: We-we don’t, uh… Sorry, I guess. I, like, can answer four of those questions, total, if I’m being honest.
Gordon: But you were there!
Todd: Where?
Gordon: At the hotel! When Patrick Spring died, you were both there together! You were wearing my coat. This coat!
Todd: Wait… What’s he talking about?
Dirk: It’s the same machine.
Gordon: What? What? What? What? What?
Dirk: Ooh… Todd, solved it. The dates! Of course! So stupid. Makes total sense in hindsight, amazed I didn’t guess it, honestly. We’ve got to go in there.
Gordon: Stop, stop–
Dirk: Edgar Spring, Zackariah Webb, Patrick Spring, the whole thing. I can get us out of here, I solved the case.
Gordon: No, no, no, no, no, you stop talking to him, and start talking to me, giving me answers. I want you two to give me some answers now–
[Gordon pauses as he hears gunfire coming from outside]
Gordon: No, no, no… No, no… No, no, no, no, no. Fred, get out there, find out what that is!
[Fred/Weddle and Zed heads outside. Todd puts on brass knuckles behind his back. As Gordon is looking away he gets up and tackles him, takes his yak fur coat and punches him, which knocks Gordon out]
Dirk: Todd, run!

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×07: Weaponized Soul (December 3, 2016)

(1) INT. ANIMAL TRANSFER UNIT

[Doors open, Gordon Rimmer and M.o.M. enter. The Soul Exchanger sends in the middle of the room]

Gordon: All right, get the machine. Plug it in. Put the dog there. We’re switching her into the dog, and the dog into her. Tie her in.

Dirk: That’s Lydia!

Gordon: Strap her in tight. Get her tight– Get her tight. Oh, yeah. Careful… Careful with that. Good, good. Good. Good… Sorry about this, Rapunzel. Good, okay, now, take her helmet and back up. Everybody, back up! All right, ready? Okay, here we go. Three, two, one, go!

[Rapunzel’s soul has been transferred into Lydia Spring’s body]

Gordon: Stay.. Everybody, stay back. Stay– stay back. Everybody, stay back. Okay. Hey, girl. Aw… there’s my girl. Aw… okay. Okay, get the dog–

[Rainey walks in with her drones]

Gordon: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait whoa, whoa! Whoa, no, no! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, hang on…

Rainey: So it’s come to this, Pollux? Sacrilege. Treason. Death.

Gordon: No one has to die here today, Rainey. Do you know who this is? Do you? Come here. Come here… Lydia Spring. Patrick Spring has the other machine, the unlimited energy device. He’s waiting for us at the Perryman Grand right now.

Rainey: Spring is no longer a threat. We don’t need his other machine.

Gordon: You have been running things for too long. This is a new era. You have lost the path. It is time… for a change–

Rainey: Enough! Get the dog. If he resists, shoot it.

[One of Rainey’s drones yanks Rapunzel away from Ned]

[Gordon wrenches the Soul exchanger off the podium, raising it over his head]

Gordon: No! No– I will smash this, and I will end it, and you will spend the rest of your miserable life in that body. Give me my dog.

Rainey: Put… the machine… down.

Gordon: Give me my dog! You… can’t beat me. Let’s go. Now! And I will be back for my goddamn dog!

[Gordon and M.o.M. exit]

——————————————
(2)

Gordon: Aren’t you tired of being mindless drones? Aren’t you all tired of being mindless drones? Isn’t that why you came to me in the first place? I tell you, I have plans. Big plans. Red here is gonna meet a guy in the desert who is going to help us change everything!

Fred: You said that I could have Rainey’s body. I want one of the good bodies, like the original souls get.

Gordon: I am sick and tired of Rainey treating you like you’re disposable, putting you for years into dogs and-and birds. It does something to you, mentally. You deserve better than that.

Zed: Yes, I also think that in my head.

Ed: I want to be a panther. I want you to put me in a panther. I don’t like to be a human anymore.

Gordon: You will be a panther. You will be a panther, Ed. Do any of you think that I want to be Gordon Rimmer anymore? No! We’re going to get both machines. We’re going to get them both, and all the power that comes with it, and then we’ll be able to do whatever the hell we want.

Zed: That is what we like best about you, Gordon, you always tell us what we want to hear.

Gordon: Okay. Who has the kitten? Rainey is a coward, content with the status quo. But not us. Not you, not me. I am the only one with the balls to use the machine to create things. That little kitty cat is what I call a weaponized soul. That’s right. Very dangerous. You understand. We only use the kitty cat as a last resort. You know what is gonna be the sweetest thing in the whole deal? Getting me my goddamn dog back!

—————————–
(3) EXT. THE PERRYMAN GRAND

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TRANSCRIPT: DIRK GENTLY – 1×08: Two Sane Guys Doing Normal Things (December 10, 2016)

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