(1) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE / INT. FARAH’S CAR
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****
[TWO DAYS AGO]
Lydia: Farah, I need help, please.
Farah: Where are you?
[Gordon Rimmer has a gun pointed at Lydia Spring’s head]
Lydia: I’m at the Ridgely Building in Springsborough–
Farah: What are you doing there?
Lydia: I’m sorry. I snuck out. I’m in trouble. Please hurry.
Farah: Okay, I’m on my way. Lydia, what kind of trouble are you in?
Lydia: Farah, don’t it’s a–
Farah: Lydia! Lydia!
(2) EXT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE
***** GORDON RIMMER IS IN THIS SCENE. NO DIALOGUE *****
[Gordon Rimmer drives into his garage. Dirk and Todd watch him from behind a bush across the road from his house. Gordon stands at the front of his garage, looks around, then goes back inside]
Todd: Goddammit! [ducks behind the bush where Dirk is already hiding]
Dirk: That’s the man? The… guy?
Todd: That’s him, yeah.
Dirk: Well, he doesn’t look so tough.
Todd: I’ve got a good feeling about this.
Dirk: About what?
Todd: Shouldn’t we call the police? I mean–
Dirk: Here, quick, give me the lottery ticket.
[Dirk takes the lottery ticket out of Todd’s hand and runs across the road and into Gordon Rimmer’s garage]
Todd: Hey! What the– Hey! Hey!
[Todd chases after him and ducks under the garage door before it closes]
(3) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S GARAGE
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****
Todd: You psychopath! You total asshole. I can’t believe you did this to me! I can’t even believe you did this to yourself!
Dirk: Looks like our suspect’s undergone a profound change in attitude. “Gordon Rimmer”. Interesting. And look at all this stuff. This guy really likes Lux DuJour. You ever listen to any of his music? A bit loud for me.
Todd: Where’s the clicker? Look, Lux DuJour sucks, and I’m getting out of here now.
Dirk: Can’t open the garage door. Too loud. Besides, we have to investigate the house. Wasn’t there– Didn’t Lux DuJour disappear? I vaguely recall it being a big story at the time. Maybe he’s in there!
Todd: I am not investigating anything!
Dirk: Then how will you get your lottery ticket?
[Dirk screws up the lottery ticket, opens the door, throws it in, closes the door]
Todd: Are you insane?
Dirk: Shh.
(4) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE
Gordon: Would you let me finish? [throws dog toy] Go sit over there! God!
[phone rings]
Gordon: Hello?
[Dirk and Todd peer their heads through the door that leads from the garage into the house]
Gordon: Hang on. Hang on! [he turns down the music playing on the stereo] Well, we find them too.
[Todd spots the crumbled up lottery ticket sitting on the carpet]
Gordon: It’s the two guys from the hotel. They’re obviously in on it. The giraffe and the gorilla. You’d be upset too if a giraffe tried to kill you!
[Todd sneaks into the house. Dirk follows him]
Todd: Get back!
Gordon: She’s right here with me now.
[Todd starts crawling towards the lottery ticket]
Gordon: Uh-huh. Yeah… Yeah. Well, where is he? What? I don’t– I don’t care…
[Todd grabs the lottery ticket. Looks up. Lydia licks his face]
Gordon: … where she is, ’cause that’s not my problem.
[Dirk starts silently jumping up and down in excitement that Lydia is a dog]
Gordon: Okay? And then what about– What about Red …
[Todd pushes Dirk into the bathroom and closed the door]
Gordon: … way out in the middle of nowhere? What about him? There’s probably one of them still out there, and if that’s the case, then that’s not good for any of us. Uh-huh. Yeah, well, no. And– and we have to go to the animal transfer unit. There was a goddamn shootout. Bodies everywhere! We’ve got to clean it up!
[Dirk & Todd inside the bathroom are up against the door listening to Gordon on the phone]
Dirk: Did he say “bodies”?
[Todd grabs Dirk. They get into the showe/bathtub and close the curtain]
Gordon: …very simple thing. That should have been very super easy…
Dirk: This is really bad, Todd! I would never have done this alone! But you were right! That’s Lydia Spring! This is a huge breakthrough! But it’s possible we’re going to die. God, I am so sorry. Oh, damn, we’re really living on the edge here, man.
Gordon: I don’t care that Rainey is dead! Rainey is not the Supreme Soul! I am the Supreme Soul! I am running things! Yes! …And I’ll tell you another thing.
[Todd open the bathroom door and takes a peek]
Gordon: Someone– Someone is watching us. I can feel it. Oh, yeah, we’re going to do something about it. We’re going to take back control. We’re going to take back control, and we are going to purify the situation.
Todd: He has a gun!
Dirk: What?
(5) INT. GORDON RIMMER’S HOUSE
[Dirk & Todd still hiding in Gordon’s bathroom]
Dirk: There must be a way to get Lydia out of here, and then we can–
Todd: Will you shut up for a minute, please?
[Todd is peering his head out. Gordon is texting on his phone. Gordon hears a squeak and lifts his head and looks. Todd goes back into the shower/bathtub and closes the curtains]
Dirk: (startled) Oh, it’s just you, and you were already here. I don’t know why I was startled, actually.
[Lydia with a dog toy in her mouth crawls down hallway headed for the bathroom]
Dirk: This is all my fault. Look, I– I have to tell you, okay? I’m sorry about what I did before. With the lottery ticket. I think it was, in sight of hind, fairly messed up.
Gordon: No. It’s going to be a beautiful thing, you’ll see.
[Lydia is in the bathroom whimpering]
Dirk: (to Lydia) Shh!
Gordon: No, it’s going to be beautiful. All right? This is just a speed bump. Oh, it’s a big speed bump. Yeah, thanks, Tips. I know that, but you know what else? Technically, we’re winning! Uh-huh! Well, we kill them, of course. It’s what we do.
[Dirk throws the dog toy out into the living room. It knocks over a candle which sets fire to some papers]
Gordon: …Both, yes, both. Why one? That doesn’t make sense.
[Lydia starts barking]
Dirk: Shh! Go away!!
[Lydia still barking]
Gordon: Rapunzel, what the hell are you doing in there?
[Todd’s cell phone rings]
Gordon: What the hell was that?
Dirk: You didn’t silence your phone?
[Todd escapes out of the bathroom window. Gordon enters the bathroom]
Gordon: You!
Dirk: Me! It is. Wait, do I know you? [he spots the gun in Gordon’s hand] Shit! [He throws a bunch of business cards at Gordon and shuts the bathroom door and ducks. Gordon fires his gun through the door. Todd who is outside, hears the gunshots and runs]
Gordon: Rapunzel, what the– [screams when he sees the fire inside his house]
(6) EXT. RIDGELY BUILDING
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****
[Ed, Zed, and Fred exit the building, walking rapidly, Zed carrying an unconscious Farah over his shoulders. Ed is on his phone]
Ed: We are on our way now.
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle stand on Dorian’s porch next door watching them]
Nathan: So when the cops said “anything suspicious…”
Weedle: Right.
[Ed, Zed, and Fred put Farrah’s limp body up into the back of the truck]
Nathan: Now, we follow up on this, that doesn’t make us their bitch, right?
Weedle: I don’t think so.
Nathan: ‘Cause that… that seems suspicious.
Weedle: We could just call them.
Nathan: And say what?
Weedle: Yeah, we’re not their bitch.
[Ed, Zed, and Fred drive off in the truck]
Nathan: Right? Let’s roll.
(7) EXT. ALLEYWAY
***** GORDON RIMMER NOT IN THIS SCENE *****
Dirk: Got the dog.
Todd: What? Why?
Dirk: The dog is important. Lots of animals in this case, it seems. The dog, the shark, the kitten–
Todd: What– What kitten? Wait, no. Screw that. Never mind. How did you even hear about the shark?
Dirk: Mm? What are you talking about?
Todd: Hours ago, in the bushes, before we were trapped in that guy’s house, you said Patrick Spring was killed by a shark.
Dirk: You’ve got a great memory.
Todd: How do you even know about the shark? The hotel room?
Dirk: I didn’t know about that.
Todd: No, never mind. Never mind. I-I-I did my duty. – I helped you steal a dog?
Dirk: Ish. You did your duty-ish! You didn’t even do a full half of a duty, you lazy man, Todd!
Todd: You tricked me into breaking into a house with you.
Dirk: You could’ve waited outside.
Todd: Someone shot at us!
Dirk: Hey, he only shot at me. And the house was even more mysterious, and we learned about that rock star, Lux DuJour.
Todd: When did we learn about that?
Dirk: And this man, Gordon Rimmer, it’s all very suspicious. He called the human Lydia “Rapunzel,” ergo, vis a vis, I forward a theory! (to Rapunzel) Are you Lydia Spring? [dog barks] You are?
Todd: I want to go home, but I know you’ll just be there now, so it’s like–
Dirk: What we’re dealing with here appears to be a criminal, or perhaps a group, that specializes in hypnotizing humans into believing they’re specific dogs, and hypnotizing dogs into believing they’re specific humans.
Todd: I just want to go cash in my lottery ticket, call my sister back, and–
Dirk: Todd, focus. What could Patrick Spring have done to anger an evil enclave of uncommonly specific dog hypnotists?
Todd: They’re not dog hypnotists!
Dirk: Ah! You’re about to forward a theory! Excellent! I’m listening!
Todd: She clearly wanted to be there. She wasn’t hypnotized, she wasn’t tied up, there weren’t bars on the windows, and she seemed happy–
Dirk: Yes, like a happy dog.
Todd: Just call the police. At this point, I can’t explain why I was there, and I’m already in deep crap with them, so just– just call them. Do it. Okay? I’m done, so you handle it now.
Dirk: You’re still wearing the shower curtain! Hey, you think I like this?
Todd: Isn’t this your job? You’re a detective. Don’t you–
Dirk: Because I’m trying to do the right thing, don’t you understand? It’s always… all these horrible things, and I get dragged right up next to them.
Todd: Couldn’t you just– I mean, you could just walk away, take whatever Spring paid you and–
Dirk: No. It’s… The world will lead me where I need to go. I’m a… a leaf in the stream of creation, right up until I find whoever or whatever killed Patrick Spring. And then it will just… take me somewhere new.
Todd: Then what’s with all your crap about taking control of your life?
Dirk: Well just because you know you’re playing a game doesn’t mean you don’t choose your moves. The cases I end up on– if I don’t solve them, no one does. [Dirk’s cell phone – text message alert tone] Oh dear. [reading text message] “We have your friend,” and then a picture of a woman.
Todd: Who’s it from?
Dirk: The man, I assume, the bad man.
Todd: How did he get your number?
Dirk: I gave him my cards.
Todd: You gave him your card?
Dirk: No, my cards, all of them. Self-defense. I do a lot of things, and then later I’m like– You don’t happen to know this woman, do you?
Farah: Open this door.
Dirk: [reading text message] “Give us the dog or we will kill her. Eastgate Bridge. Midnight.” Ha! See? I told you the dog was important!
(8) EXT. EASTGATE BRIDGE
Todd: This is bad. This isn’t going to work. This is a bad idea.
Dirk: Nonsense. This is the perfect opportunity to get some answers.
Todd: The man shot at us. What if he just pulls a gun?
Dirk: Aha, that’s why I brought… this.
Todd: What’s that supposed to do?
Dirk: Well, you know what they say about bringing a knife to a gun fight…
Todd: That it’s…bad?
Dirk: Oh, bloody hell, is that what that means?
[car horn honks]
Dirk: That’s him. The man.
Todd: What do we do?
Dirk: Well, I think… [Dirk exits the car]
Todd: Aw…
[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle sitting inside their FBI car. Weedle hands Natham the binoculars; they’re looking up, onto the bridge]
Weedle: Check this out.
Nathan: All right. What have we got? Holy shit. That’s the guy. That’s… that’s Todd Brotzman.
Weedle: And Dirk Gently. Full house.
Nathan: Missing Persons was actually onto something. We bring them in as soon as whatever this is is done.
Weedle: Got it.
Dirk: Is that the woman?
Todd: I don’t know her.
Dirk: Right, but that is a woman.
Todd: What are you even talking about?
Gordon: (to Farah) Get on your knees. (to Dirk & Todd) Give me the dog, or I’ll kill her!
Dirk: Give us the her or we’ll throw the dog off the bridge!
Todd: (whispers) What?
Dirk: (whispers) I’m bluffing, (beat) but if he shoots her, throw the dog off the bridge.
[The dog barks in protest]
Gordon: Why did you attack us?
Dirk: We didn’t! How do you know who we are?
Gordon: We don’t. Where’s the kitten?
Dirk: What kitten? Who’s that woman?
Gordon: You don’t know her?
Dirk: Do you?
Gordon: Why did you burn my house down?
Dirk: (shocked) I burnt your HOUSE DOWN!?
Todd: Where’s Lydia?
Gordon: She’s not here. Bring me the dog.
Dirk: Why do you want it?
Gordon: Why did you take it?
Todd: We don’t know!
Gordon: Why did you kill Patrick Spring?
Todd: We didn’t.
Dirk: Did you?
Gordon: Just…just bring me the dog!
[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[FBI Agents Nathan and Weedle listen on a remote listening device, confused]
Nathan: What the hell are they talking about?
Weedle: Dogs? Cats? I don’t know.
Nathan: These are the stupidest goddamn people alive.
[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
Todd: (whispers) What do we do?
Dirk: (whispers) I… I don’t know.
Gordon: I’ll kill her! I swear!
[Todd stares at the figure in the welding mask, hunched over on her knees. He sighs, looking at Dirk, and then sucks up his courage, and begins to walk towards Gordon]
Dirk: Todd… Todd, wait! Maybe…
[Todd ignores him. The walk feels long, intense. We can see from FARAH’S BLURRY POV in the welder’s mask as she watches Todd approach. He finally reaches Gordon]
Todd: Let the woman go.
Gordon: No, no, no, no, no. She stays with us.
Todd: That wasn’t the deal.
Gordon: There’s no deal.
Dirk: Shit! He’s right!
Gordon: Bring me the dog!
[Todd swings the dog out over the side of the bridge]
Gordon: What are you doing? What are you doing? No!
Todd: Let the woman go or I drop it. Just let her go now!
Gordon: You are poking the bear, my friend! We will burn the soul out of your body for what you’ve done to us.
Todd: What are you even talking about? What did we do to you?
Gordon: Don’t drop my dog!
Todd: Let her go now or I drop it, I swear to God. Let her go!
Gordon: No, no, no, no, no.
Lydia: No! Help me!
[Todd turns in total confusion to see that the faint outline of Lydia Spring’s face over the face of Rapunzel the dog]
Todd: (screams and drops Rapunzel)
Gordon: (screaming) No!
[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
Nathan: Holy shit! This is going down.
Weedle: I’m coming!
[Weedle and Nathan jump out of their car, drawing their guns]
[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
[Farah stands up and head butts Rimmer in the chin, knocking the glasses off his face. She takes off running down the bridge! Dirk sees Fred rising from the back of the truck, raising a crossbow-
Dirk: Todd! Men!
[Todd sees Fred and ducks down]
[DOWN BELOW THE BRIDGE]
[Nathan shoots Fred twice. Zed shoots Nathan with the crossbow, killing him instantly]
Weedle: No! Nathan! (beat) Put that down–
[Zed smashes Weedle into the car, knocking him out]
[UP ON THE BRIDGE]
[Farah rushes past Dirk and shoulder blocks him out of the way like a linebacker. Dirk and Todd run after her]
Dirk: Todd, what happened?
Todd: I saw a human face on the dog!
[runs headfirst into the side of the bridge, knocking herself out cold]
[Gordon gets up off the ground, putting his glasses back on]
Gordon: (screaming) Rapunzel!
[Dirk and Todd roughly shove Farah into the back seat of the car. Dirk slams on the gas, going straight towards Gordon who dives out of the way. The car streaks off into the night]
(9) EXT. EASTGATE BRIDGE
Gordon: Ahhh, prickle bush goddamnit.
Fred: Did you find the dog?
Gordon: No. And what the hell happened? Who shot Fred?
Zed: There were two men hiding under the bridge. One we released from his body, the other still lives.
Gordon: They threw the goddamn dog off the bridge. Did you see it come out of the water?
Zed: No. Very busy.
Gordon: It’s in control. Everything’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Wait a second, there’s two guys. You said you got two guys. Who were those two guys?
Zed: I don’t know. They had these. [he hands badges to Gordon]
Gordon: What the hell is this? What the… FBI? You gotta be goddamn kidding me. And this one’s still alive?
Zed: He is.
Gordon: (to Fred) How would you like to be a secret agent? All right. All right. All right. Let’s go.